Q&A with leading psychologist, Ruth Simons.

Male Concerns

Q. Why can't I have more sex?

A. As observed, the young don't expect to ever have enough sex at least not until they've managed to leave the parental home and/or formed a relationship which involves sex.

Once they establish a relationship through marriage or cohabitating, they settle down for a few years of marital and sexual bliss, that is until the ‘honeymoon’ period starts to diminish and then they complain that their partners are not the same sexually as when they first met. This is the truth: most women do slow down sexually after the “honeymoon” phase wears off, to a level which is ‘normal’ for them. The ‘in lust’ phase that we all experience when we first meet and fall in love is called the ‘limerence’ phase. It feels so amazing; I wish I could bottle it.

Sadly, it is short-lived, because the power that be, has designed us to attract each other for the main purpose of ‘mating’. During this phase, there are physiological changes in our body that releases great feeling hormones that turn us into loving, caring, enmeshed, sex maniacs. However, somewhere between six to 18 months we start to resume levels of normalcy, whereby male behavior such as, buying flowers, hugging, kissing passionately, touching and listening, start to diminish, till it reaches a dead halt.

Females, on the other hand, find that their interest in sex starts to wane to a level of what can be described as ‘normal’ for them. Unlike their female counterparts, most males maintain the same level of sexual desire, before, during and after limerence. The reason for this is mainly because males have 10 times more testosterone than females and this is the hormone that drives our sexual desire. When in limerence, the body produces high levels of dopamine and norepinephrine which, in turn, stimulates testosterone in women, so that their sexual energy rises to meet that of their male partner. (It eventually drops to their normal range once the limerence phase is over. Hence the complaint “Why isn’t she like she was in the beginning?")

I have found that males enjoy explanations. Once they understand the reason why their partner is no longer functioning the way she was, they also realise they haven’t been “conned” into a relationship, they then can look at ways to find a balance, whereby both parties can enjoy a happy fulfilling sex life.

Not every guy is driven by testosterone. There are many males who have a low level of interest in sex and find during limerence their interest increases due to their desire for their new partner, plus an increase in their testosterone at that time. As in the case of many females, once the limerence phase wears off they drop back to fairly low again, leaving their partners frustrated, and wondering if they are no longer attracted to them.

Female Concerns

Q. Zero orgasm.

Dear Ruth, it is beginning to worry me that I have never had an orgasm. It is starting to consume my thoughts. Compared to my girlfriends I don’t believe I am as sexual as they are but maybe that may change if I had an orgasm to help make the experience more enjoyable.

A. The first area in which I can reassure this woman is that, despite her boasting girlfriends, who do not always report the truth, when it comes to sex, she is actually far from alone.

Something like 1 in 10 women report that they have never had an orgasm.
Clinicians describe them as anorgasmic, which means the condition of not experiencing an orgasm, be it on one's own or with a partner. The problem can be physical, psychological or a combination, so a medical check is the first stop to rule out physical conditions (which could be something as simple, and easily treatable, as a hormone deficiency).
Some psychological issues that perpetuate anorgasmia include:

• poor diet, e.g. a high-fat diet can result in a sluggish circulation;
  
• a strict religious background that insists sex is for procreation, not pleasure;
• sexual abuse;
• suppressed anger;
• and finally, women who have a strong need to be in control. (They report a fear of letting go, while orgasm, almost by definition, requires total letting go.)

Let’s assume you are not anorgasmic but sexually naïve. Then the first step is your willingness and desire to learn how to become more orgasmic.

The second step is learn about your body, the third is to learn how to stimulate yourself physically (masturbate), which takes practice, discipline and the desire to see results. There are many different techniques: check out the recommendations in the bibliography.
Finally, you need to learn how to turn yourself on psychologically. This can occur only when you feel free in your thoughts and motivated to make a break with past behaviour.

Dating & marriage

Q. Who makes the first move?

I am single and my girlfriends and I were having a discussion the other night about who should make the first move when you see someone in a club that you find attractive.

I am in my 20s and I am too shy to approach a guy, but a lot of my friends do and they say I should, too. What do you think?

A. Isn’t it sad that girls and boys have lost the plot on what is acceptable and what isn’t? What happened to old-fashioned flirting?

Both males and females are confused about the rules of courting today. While I believe that it is now very acceptable to start the conversation going with a guy, I still encourage women to go back to basics. The woman can give the first subtle signal, like look into the eyes of the guy you find attractive and smile, by which time he should pick up that little twinkle in your eye, which should encourage him to make the first overt move. Most guys report that they enjoy and respond to a friendly come-on and a good sense of humour; conversely they do not like over-the-top aggressive women.

Note that we're not getting into any debate about 'equal opportunity': as we've established elsewhere, this book is about practical solutions rather than philosophy and moral judgments.

The writer of the letter above has grasped this practical point, but is struggling with her innate shyness: younger girls are especially prone to this, and liable to be confused, particularly if they are getting advice from different generations.

Now we come to some ladies with more experience and more confidence--but again they're running into men who too are confused about who gets things going.

That confusion is new, but these women are confronting another problem that seems eternal: Mr Right appears to want to date younger women.

Dating & marriage

Q. Too young for marriage?

How young is too young to fall in love? Real love I mean. I am 18 and I am in love with my 20-year-old boyfriend, I think. Mum says I am too young to know what love is and too young to marry.

He has asked me to marry him and I agree with mum, that I am too young to marry because I want to go to uni and to do a few things with my life. Mum’s upset because we are planning to move in together. To me, this is the way to know for sure if I love him. Should I follow my gut instinct and move in with him, or do I listen to mum?

A. My rule of thumb is: If you want to marry him, don’t move in with him, unless you have a commitment to marry within a prescribed date. As far as how young is too young to fall in love … well, age and love has no barrier.

I am sure you are in love with this young man right now, but I go along with your mother: why can’t you love him and still live at home?
Over time you'll find out if you truly love him--and that means there's no rush. By your own admission, you want to go to uni and experience other things in your life. You will find living with your boyfriend will inhibit your freedom to experience life. Listen to your mum.

The attitudes of those around us--family and close friends--are, of course, important, and may well play a part in decisions about whether living together should involve the marriage commitment. But ultimately you live with your partner, not your family--that's the whole idea!--and the decision needs to be based on what the two of you believe and need, rather than anyone else.

Gay and lesbian

Q. Is ‘lesbian’ really the question?

I am a lesbian and I am finding difficulty in meeting and having casual relationships. If I meet someone I like I tend to want a full, one-on-one, intense relationship. My heterosexual friends tell me I need to learn to slow down, but I find I can’t do that. With me it is all or nothing. Can I learn to slow down the process, are there any techniques you can pass on?

A. My hunch is that if you stop and think about it, you will find that you are an all-or-nothing person in most aspects of your life: I also believe that women are generally more intimate than men. Therefore your need to jump into intimacy isn’t so much a lesbian trait, but more an expression of who you are as a person, first and a woman, second--you’d probably be the same no matter what your sexual orientation.

As far as learning to slow down the process, I suggest you put your initial energy into simply being friends. Establish a base where you learn about each other’s interests, values and goals. If you find that you have lots in common, then go for the relationship.

Many couples find that once the passionately-in-lust phase wears off, they have little in common unless a good base has been established first. Fact is, you’re not alone in wanting to jump from first meeting to the security and fascination of a "full, one-on-one, intense relationship": but after a while we learn that it takes time.